Several years ago, Drinna Reed-Brinkerhoff became a caregiver for her mother when she needed help. At the same time, Drinna was the single parent of a teenage son and working a full-time job.
She was a sandwich generation caregiver. Sandwich generation caregivers are adults caring for a parent – usually those over age 65 – while also raising children. They are “sandwiched” between the two groups.
Sandwich generation caregivers, generally made up of women, include baby boomers and Gen Xers – with millennials joining the ranks as their parents age.
Whatever a person’s generation when they become a caregiver, the role can be demanding. For Drinna, it became more stressful as her mother’s health needs increased.
“She was with me for about a year and then she got sick and lived for another six months. I had a 16-year-old and still had to make sure he had his homework done and that he was taken care of,” says Drinna, a marketing specialist for the Good Samaritan Society.
The experience brought her back to her childhood when she witnessed her mother take on the duties of a sandwich generation caregiver.
“My grandparents lived close to our house. My mom was always running over there and taking care of them. She would run back to our house and take care of us – all while she was working an overnight job. Grandpa passed away and then my grandma came and lived with us. I don’t recall ever being sat down and talked to about it. I just remember it being a very confusing time for me. I had to be quiet. My grandma and my mom were grieving and I didn’t understand,” Drinna says.
Common challenges and solutions
Like Drinna and her mother before her, sandwich generation caregivers face more difficulties than their family members and friends may realize.
Emotional and physical strain
Caregivers often deal with stressful situations that can lead to burnout and poor health.
They need to have family, friends and support groups they can rely on. It’s also helpful for caregivers to seek the counsel of a pastor or therapist, and practice activities that help them de-stress, like yoga and journaling. Avoiding caregiver burnout
“What helped was having my family around. The support system I had kept me from being isolated. I prayed constantly. I don’t know how anyone could get through something like that without having faith. I attribute everything to God. The support system I had, everything that helped me was from God,” says Drinna.
Prayer can help a person overcome worry
Financial pressures
If an older adult doesn’t have the resources necessary for senior care and services, sandwich generation caregivers can feel the strain – especially if they are paying for childcare and extracurricular activities for their kids.
Caregivers should make sure to consult a financial advisor and create a budget. They can also look into financial assistance programs and check into caregiver support program benefits through their employer. Resources for seniors on limited incomes
“That was one area where I was very blessed. I didn’t have that financial burden. When she needed medication, her insurance covered it,” says Drinna.
Role reversal struggles
It can be emotionally difficult to watch a parent’s health decline. A caregiver often has to face the reality that they need to step into more of a parenting role as they take care of their loved one.
To help come to terms with the changing dynamics, it’s important for caregivers to acknowledge the changes taking place. They should also work to preserve their loved one’s dignity and independence.
“It's hard watching your parents get older, but I worked hard to treat her with respect. I didn’t treat her like a child. Maybe the roles were reversed, but in my world, she was still my mother, and I made sure she still felt like my mother. I also made sure not to use elderspeak when talking to her,” Drinna says.
Sibling dynamics
When a person becomes a sandwich generation caregiver, challenges can multiply if they have siblings who aren’t helpful or don’t agree about the parent’s care.
It can be helpful for caregivers to meet regularly with their siblings and include all of them in the decisions being made. If they make it their goal to identify the problem they’re trying to solve and find common ground, it will go a long way toward making sure a parent gets the care they need.
“My brother had just lost his wife seven or eight months before, so I had to keep reminding myself where he was coming from and that he was grieving. It was tough. He did what he could do and would take her to her appointments every Friday,” says Drinna.
Common disagreements among siblings
Accessing resources
It can be challenging for a sandwich generation caregiver to navigate health care systems, find services and understand legal documents.
Whatever stage of caregiving they are in, they should educate themselves on the legal documents needed for their parent and themselves. They can also contact local Area Agencies on Aging for elder care services and reach out to a case manager, social worker or patient advocate.
“I was my mother’s power of attorney and she had a living will, which was helpful,” Drinna says.
Legal documents for end-of-life wishes
There are many resources available today that weren’t necessarily available a few decades ago when Drinna was caring for her mom.
“It’s good that things have changed and hopefully they continue to improve. Our society is more about the caregiver now than we were then,” says Drinna.
Additional advice
For the sandwich generation caregiver who has younger children at home, Drinna has some suggestions.
“My greatest hope is that people who have small children will talk to them and let them know what's going on. Tell them that what's going on isn’t their fault and that they're not in trouble. That Grandma doesn’t hate them. Try to explain that people are hurting, because when you’re a kid you don’t understand,” Drinna says.
How respite care can help
Respite care services can be a valuable resource for family caregivers. It can also be a good way for their loved one to try out assisted living or long-term care before moving in.
With respite care, a loved one can stay at one of our communities or receive in-home care for a short time. It can help when a caregiver needs time away for work, vacation or time to devote to themselves.
