Caring for aging parents? Find common ground with your siblings
It can be challenging for adult children to watch their parents get older and equally hard for them to agree with their siblings about what’s best for their parents and their next stage of life.
One sibling may live in the same community as Mom or Dad and see them often. They may also be their parent’s caregiver and have in-depth knowledge about their current physical, mental and emotional state.
Another sibling may live far away and only see their parents a few times a year giving them a different perspective on how their parent is doing.
Causes of sibling conflict
This scenario can often lead to one of the most common causes of conflict among siblings when it comes to aging parents – denial.
Karis Gust, a nursing and clinical services consultant for the Good Samaritan Society, often sees denial come to the forefront when working with families.
Adult children can be in denial about the health needs of their parents, and parents can be in denial about the assistance they need. Some may be unwilling to move from their current home – even if it’s unsafe to remain there.
“I think people want to delay making decisions because they feel that if they don’t engage in them and don’t think about them, then the situations won’t happen,” Karis says.
Other causes of conflict include:
- An unhelpful sibling
- Concerns about finances
- Reluctance to make hard decisions
- Worries about treatment and/or living arrangements
Solutions for sibling conflict
Jon Vaughan, a senior living sales specialist for the Good Samaritan Society in Colorado, works with families to help their loved ones find the right housing and services.
He’s learned a valuable tool for helping with disagreements between siblings.
“It’s a process called identify, discuss, and solve. What we have found is everybody is trying to solve a different problem. If they are not on the same page, that becomes a longer process to talk through and come to an agreement on,” says Jon.
Karis uses a similar approach.
“I try to help them find common ground, refocusing everyone on the reason for concern,” says Karis.
Karis advises siblings to visit their parent’s home, observe how they are doing and look at the state of the house.
“Take a look at how clean things are in the house. Is the fridge full of expired food? Pay attention to things like personal hygiene. Really get in there with an open mind and look at what’s happening,” says Karis.
Additional ways to solve conflicts:
- Stay in communication with each other and include all siblings in decisions.
“You might have five siblings. And what I would recommend is as you’re starting the process of looking for assisted living for a parent, include all of the siblings. If you’re doing some initial research, fill them in and periodically do a conference call or meet for coffee to talk. I’ve had a son come and tour, then the sister, then another brother. I might have done five tours, and I am totally fine with that because they need to be on the same page to make the decision,” says Jon.
“Have an open discussion about what the parent needs, and then maybe hire a home health agency to assist with care or visit some assisted living locations to see what they offer,” says Karis. - Seek professional advice
“I bring up the idea of having a doctor or physician assistant come into the home,” says Jon. “You can get information from the doctor and utilize their knowledge. It’s really helpful to have some of those professional folks come in and give their opinion.” - Try respite care
“One of the things I present to potential residents and families is trying assisted living for a month. You don’t have to sell the house and deal with all the stuff. You’re just going to try it and see how it works,” Jon says. - Prioritize your loved one’s well-being
“A lot of it is about de-stressing their lives. If they move into a senior living community, they don't have to worry about getting out there and taking care of the snow. They’ve got a community that’s looking out for them. We have a staff that cares about the residents. They have a personal life alert if something were to happen. And a person is usually going to have a friend who lives in the apartment across from them who notices that they didn’t come down for coffee,” says Jon.
“When you have a loved one who’s in the early stages of frailty, addressing that proactively can reverse the frailty and keep them robust for a lot longer, which can help prolong their life. You might think you’re doing Mom or Dad a favor, but if they’re not taking their meds on time, eating meals like they should, getting enough protein, getting enough exercise or getting enough social interaction, they’ll experience a much faster decline,” says Karis. - Make sure their wishes are known
“No matter what age you are, it’s important that your loved ones know your wishes for end-of-life care with an advanced directive and living will. The best time is when you’re healthy. It’s not good enough to say, ‘My kids know what I want.’ If there’s nothing in writing, there’s a pretty good chance that things will get messy and maybe even nasty and certainly expensive,” says Karis.
“You can always find a professional to facilitate those conversations. Get an attorney, get everybody on the phone and let the attorney ask the questions. It takes a lot of pressure off the individuals because they might not even know what questions to ask,” says Jon.
Choose gratitude for this stage of life
Despite the challenges that may come as parents age, there are positive aspects for adult children to consider.
“When you talk about taking care of your loved one, do you use the wording, ‘I have to take care of them’? If you’re using that wording, it’s normally not a good situation. Once you can get to, ‘I get to take care of my Mom or my Dad,’ then you’re coming at it from a whole different perspective. It’s actually more of a gratitude experience than one filled with fear and anxiety. If a person can make that switch in their mind and with their siblings, the conversations they have with their parents are totally different,” says Jon.
It’s important for adult children to focus on what their loved ones can still do.
“Maybe Mom doesn’t know who I am anymore, but Mom still enjoys singing hymns or listening to Elvis. Mom still enjoys food and swimming in the pool. Focus on the positives and not on how Mom can’t live by herself anymore. It’s about celebrating a life well lived and maximizing the enjoyment of living she still has,” says Karis.