After losing a loved one, the Christmas season can be a challenging time to grieve and heal. You may experience a wide array of emotions that become especially difficult to process amid festive holiday décor, gatherings and activities.
“This can be a time of year that is filled with joyous celebrations. A person who is grieving may have a sense of trying to meet everyone’s expectations while doing the fun and joyous things of the season. But, that can be very uncomfortable, or painful, if we are not up to doing those things while grieving,” says the Rev. Lydia Buttner, chaplain at Good Samaritan Society – Fort Collins Village in Fort Collins, Colorado.
It’s important to give yourself compassion and grace, knowing that healing after a loss is a journey that takes months and even years and looks different for everyone.
“I would recommend being gentle with yourself and being honest about what you’re able to do,” says Lydia.
Read below for ways to find peace and solace through the holiday season while honoring your deceased loved one.
Determine what will be difficult
To help you prepare for conversations or gatherings, “try on” your fears and anxieties to identify the moments you dread, doing the hard work of examining your heart.
- Is it being alone or in a crowd?
- Having to be a host or not being invited to a gathering?
- Going to church?
- Writing and receiving Christmas cards?
“Perhaps you don’t have to be the person that hosts the big event. Someone else could host that this year,” Lydia says.
Create an honest list of what you feel will and won’t help your grieving process. When others ask how they can support you, don’t be afraid to share what’s on your heart.
If you need to sit in the back during a church service so you have the option to leave, or you want to gather for Christmas on a different day, let those around you know what you need.
Give yourself permission to adapt
It’s OK if your holiday traditions look a little different this year. In fact, it may be worth considering changing how you celebrate the holidays and resume traditions the following year.
“This is often a time of quiet reflection and more personal than the festive excitement that’s going on around you in the world. Embracing the grace found in quiet ways, while accepting that this year is going to feel different, allows you to spend time remembering the person you miss. Finding ways to express how you feel can be helpful,” says Lydia.
Connections with others can remind you that you’re not alone and prevent you from becoming isolated.
“Talking with a chaplain or your clergy person is an option that many find comfort in. When you’re talking with a chaplain, you can talk about anything. You don’t have to be of a certain faith. A grief support group can also be very helpful,” Lydia says.
Consider volunteering on days that you know will be difficult, such as at your local food pantry or community center. Make sure you feel up to it and that you’re not doing too much too soon.
Take care of your health
There are times when grieving can impact your physical health and you may have symptoms that are draining or concerning you. That would be a good time to see a trusted health care professional.
“Often people are feeling depressed, or have a sense of guilt or other strong emotions, and finding a counselor or a therapist can be a good option. You may also talk to a chaplain about this. If you are in distress and feeling suicidal or desperate in some way, connect with someone you trust, call a suicide line or go to an emergency room,” says Lydia.
If you are a family caregiver, ask for help when you need it and find times to take a break so you can refuel and do things that help you feel rested.
“There are holiday season expectations that may not be realistic for you at this time. Honor the tears you shed and spend time in prayer or doing other spiritual practices to help bring you peace,” Lydia says.
Seek comforting situations
While grieving during the holidays, trust your heart and spend time in ways that nourish your soul.
“Be authentic and true to what you can do now, knowing that this can change over time. Sometimes peace can be found in the simple ways of being with a pet or having a cup of tea with a neighbor, going for a walk, doing some yoga or listening to music,” Lydia says.
Many people find comfort in Blue Christmas/Longest Night services. These services are for people who have lost a loved one and other people who are going through the grieving process. People come together with the understanding that it isn’t a joyous time of year for everybody.
Honor your loved one
Give yourself time each day to grieve. Trying to seem joyful when you feel sad may leave you overwhelmed and discouraged. Instead, find a way to honor your loved one’s presence in your heart and mind.
- Create memorial gifts for family members, such as a collection of favorite recipes of your deceased loved one
- Donate to a charity to support a cause they believed in
- Light a candle in your home in their memory
- Place a special ornament on your Christmas tree
- Purchase a Christmas tree and donate it to a hospice, nursing home or shelter
If you’re struggling this holiday season, find encouragement in these resources
